I've had people come and go plenty odd times I just stopped counting. But their faces are still remembered, and their memories are still tasted.None is different from before as they choose to leave when they know, being with me,there won't be any future as I kept them waiting and hoping. I never forced anyone from the start, they make the wrong decision to stay.
Yes, I'm nice to everyone,I'm sweet to everyone, its just my nature of having people find me a good company but they too fall in love with me without me actually approving.I don't wish to know,I like it to be a secret matter.So that none of us would go around head screwing, thinking about what to say to one another. It's rather awkward enough. It's different to be quiet about your feelings, and letting them out knowing you'll be self- rejected. It's hard to face rejection, but honesty happens.I changed my personality in many ways, as I choose to stopped caring.
I've always thought as I change, things would get better. But No. Putting my love limits to an off sensation.But I couldn't help but still spreading love to people who actually needs one. Especially when they needed it from me. I would give my all, but it would just be temporarily.They usually say they'll stay,giving me promises while hoping I won't walk away. In the end, one of us will eventually go. Living another behind in an open road. I don't mind being left, nothing is ever wrong with me,I'm used to screw ups. I happen to be alone all the time. I would lie if I said I love being alone but I never dislike the idea,just never loved the fact of it. Being alone gives you time to actually get to know yourself when you know others don't actually care. Even I, am still learning about my needs and wants in future. I'm still wishing on every shooting star like a little girl. I'm still growing up to find that someone.
I need someone to hold me up when I'm falling, to wish to stay even I asked him to walk away. The one that never judge but praises me. The one that calls me up just to say he loves me and hang up. The one who listens to things I'm not saying. A person who knows if I'm lying. The one that needs me but wants me more. The one who could never resist me. The one who never will compare me with others. The one that will be that someone, a good enough person that deserved to be called " the one " from me. Don't say I never tried to let anyone in, I've tried. Honestly, I never gave the effort to actually let them in my heart, because there is this feeling that still kills inside me.A feeling so intense that I still wish to make it stay.
That past that still have a great effect towards me till now, is still kept on hold, waiting to be burn again. Nothing is impossible to forget.You know the feeling, the first love that you've eager to have turned out to be your worst nightmare and you don't mind dreaming about it because that's the only time you could felt it?You tell yourself things would be better,but all you want to do is runaway, not letting anyone save you for being you. I can't find the need to explain why am I this now, and why I'm not that then. I couldn't. I would laugh for no reasons, keeping my sad face behind walls. Or I would just cry figuring I lost something so precious. And I'd cry more knowing, that important something was actually long gone.
I'm confused,my heart has been empty, collected with dust bunnies I don't wish to clean. Thanks to what happened, I realize I'm strong enough to let go but weak and afraid at most times. It's a tie, I just wished I was that someone long time ago. Laughing and just being happy for a reason. Never have to worry about a god damn thing. I feel sorry having the chance to bruise other hearts in revenge for my own past, that was never my intention. I realize I have many chances, like karma is on my very hands. But I decided, not to do it. Because I'm just not them. Love is precious, give it to someone worth dying for.
I don't want to hurt anyone.I don't want anyone to hurt me ;/
Scream by Hana
